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Many parents have learned the hard way that what sounds like open communication is often the very thing that closes a youngster's ears and mouth. One common mistake is the Lecture, the long monologue that often starts with “When I was your age” Eighteen-year-old Kelly calls lectures “long, one-side discussions in which I don't say much.”
Kids reflexively(条件反射地)shut down in the face of a lecture. Their eyes glaze over(呆滞),and they don't register any incoming information. Listen to 13-year-old Sarah describe her least favorite times with her mom and dad. “First, they scream. Then comes the ‘We're so disappointed' speech. Then the ‘I never did that to my parents' lecture begins. After that, even if they realize how ridiculous they sound they never take it back.”
Lines like “When you have children of your own, you'll understand” have been seriously said by parents since time immemorial. But many of our expert parents, like Bobby, a registered nurse and mother of three, feel that by falling back on clichés(陈词滥调)to justify your actions, we weaken our position.
Since kids are creatures of here and now, the far-off future has no relevance to them. Therefore, good communicators like Bobby suggest, “Give specific reasons for your actions in present language: ‘I'm not letting you go to the party because I don't think there will be enough adult supervisions.'”
Betty, who lives in Missouri, uses an indirect approach. “I find that warnings are accepted more readily if I discuss a news article on a subject I am concerned about. My husband and I talk about it while our children absorb the information. Then they never think I'm preaching(布道).”
This really helped when Betty's kids began driving. Instead of constantly repeating “Don't drink; don't speed,” she would talk about articles in the paper and express sympathy for the victims of a car crash. Betty made no special effort to draw her kids into the conversation. She depended on a teenager's strong desire to put in his opinions---especially if he thinks he isn't being asked for them.
