题干

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                                                                                                                                 幸福盲 
                                                                                                                                    毕淑敏
         ①若干年前,看过报道,西方某都市的报纸,面向社会征集“谁是世界上最幸福的人”这个题目的答案。来稿很踊跃,各界人士纷纷应答。报社组织了权威的评审团,在纷纭的答案中进行遴选和投票,最后得出了三个答案。因为众口难调意见无法统一,还保留了一个备选答案。
        ②按照投票者的多寡和权威们的表决,发布了“谁是世界上最幸福的人”的名单。记得大致顺序是这样的:
        一、给病人做完了一例成功手术,目送病人出院的医生。
        二、给孩子刚刚洗完澡,怀抱婴儿面带微笑的母亲:
        三、在海滩上筑起了一座沙堡的顽童,望着自己的劳动成果。
        备选的答案是:写完了小说最后一个字的作家。
        ③消息入眼,我的第一个反应仿佛被人在眼皮上涂了辣椒油,然而十分怀疑它的真实性。这可能吗?不是什么人闲来无事,编造出来博人一笑的恶作剧吧?还有几分惶惑和恼怒,在心扉最深处,是震惊和不知所措。
        ④也许有人说,我没看出这消息有什么不对头的啊?再说,这正是大多数人对幸福的理解,不是别有用心或是哗众取宠啊!是的是的,我都明白,可心中还是惶惶不安。当我静下心来,细细梳理思绪,才明白自己当时的反应,是一种深入骨髓的悲哀。原来我是一个幸福盲。
        ⑤为什么呢?说来惭愧,答案中的四种情况,在某种程度上,我都一定程度地拥有了。我是一个母亲,给婴儿洗澡的事几乎是早年间每日的必修。我曾是一名医生,手起刀落,给很多病人做过手术,目送着治愈了的病人走出医院的大门的情形,也经历过无数次了。儿时调皮,虽然没在海滩上筑过繁复的沙堡(这大概和那个国家四面环水有关),但在附近建筑工地的沙堆上挖个洞穴藏个“宝贝”之类的工程,肯定是经手过了。另外,在看到上述消息的时候,我已发表过几篇作品,因此那个在备选答案中占据一席之地的“作家完成最后一字”之感,也有幸体验过了。
        ⑥我集这几种公众认为幸福的状态于一身,可我不曾感到幸福,这真是莫名其妙而又痛彻的事情。我发觉自己出了问题,不是小问题,是大问题。这个问题如果不解决,我所有的努力和奋斗,犹如沙上建塔。从最乐观的角度来说,即使是对别人有所帮助,但我本人依然是不开心的。我哀伤地承认,我是一个幸福盲。
        ⑦我要改变这种情况。我要对自己的幸福负责。从那时起,我开始审视自己对于幸福的把握和感知,我训练自己对于幸福的敏感和享受,我像一个自幼被封闭在洞穴中的人,在七彩光线下学着辨析青草和艳花,朗月和白云。体会到了那些被黑暗囚禁的盲人,手术后一旦打开了遮眼的纱布,那份诧异和惊喜,那份东张西望的雀跃和喜极而泣的泪水,是多么自然而然。
        ⑧哲人说过,生活中缺少的不是美,而是发现美的目光。让我们模仿一下他的话:生活中也不缺少幸福,只是缺少发现幸福的眼光。幸福盲如同色盲,把绚烂的世界还原成了模糊的黑白照片。拭亮你幸福的瞳孔吧,就会看到被潜藏被遮掩被蒙昧被混淆的幸福,就如美人鱼一般从深海中升起,哺育着我们。

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    It was very late and everyone had left the cafe except an old man who sat in the shadow the leaves of the tree made against the electric light. In the day time the street was dusty, but at night the dew settled the dust and the old man liked to sit late because he was deaf and now at night it was quiet and he felt the difference. The two waiters inside the cafe knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he was a good client they knew that if he became too drunk he would leave without paying, so they kept watch on him.

     “Last week he tried to commit suicide,” one waiter said. “Why?” “He was in despair.” “What about?” “Nothing.” “How do you know it was nothing?” “He has plenty of money.”

    They sat together at a table that was close against the wall near the door of the cafe and looked at the terrace where the tables were all empty except where the old man sat in the shadow of the leaves of the tree that moved slightly in the wind. A girl and a soldier went by in the street. The street light shone on the brass number on his collar. The girl wore no head covering and hurried beside him.

     “The guard will pick him up,” one waiter said. “What does it matter if he gets what he's after?” “He had better get off the street now. The guard will get him. They went by five minutes ago.”

    The old man sitting in the shadow rapped on his saucer with his glass. The younger waiter went over to him.

     “What do you want?” The old man looked at him. “Another brandy,” he said.

     “You'll be drunk,” the waiter said. The old man looked at him. The waiter went away.

     “He'll stay all night,” he said to his colleague. “I'm sleepy now. I never get into bed before three o'clock. He should have killed himself last week.”

    The waiter took the brandy bottle and another saucer from the counter inside the cafe and marched out to the old man's table. He put down the saucer and poured the glass full of brandy.

     “You should have killed yourself last week,” he said to the deaf man. The old man motioned with his finger. “A little more,” he said. The waiter poured on into the glass so that the brandy slopped over and ran down the stem into the top saucer of the pile. “Thank you,” the old man said. The waiter took the bottle back inside the cafe.He sat down at the table with his colleague again.

     “He's drunk now,” he said. “He's drunk every night.” “What did he want to kill himself for?” “How should I know.” “How did he do it?” “He hung himself with a rope.” “Who cut him down?” “His niece.” “Why did they do it?” “Fear for his soul.” “How much money has he got?” “He's got plenty.” “He must be eighty years old.” “Anyway I should say he was eighty.” “I wish he would go home.I never get to bed before three o'clock. What kind of hour is that to go to bed?” “He stays up because he likes it.” “He's lonely. I'm not lonely. I have a wife waiting in bed for me.” “He had a wife once too.” “A wife would be no good to him now.” “You can't tell. He might be better with a wife.” “His niece looks after him.You said she cut him down.” “I know.” “I wouldn't want to be that old.An old man is a nasty thing.” “Not always.This old man is clean.He drinks without spilling.Even now, drunk.Look at him.” “I don't want to look at him.I wish he would go home.He has no regard for those who must work.”

    The old man looked from his glass across the square, then over at the waiters.

     “Another brandy,” he said, pointing to his glass.The waiter who was in a hurry came over.

     “Finished,” he said, speaking with that omission of syntax stupid people employ when talking to drunken people or foreigners. “No more tonight. Close now.”

     “Another,” said the old man.

     “No. Finished.” The waiter wiped the edge of the table with a towel and shook his head.

    The old man stood up, slowly counted the saucers, took a leather coin purse from his pocket and paid for the drinks, leaving half a peseta tip. The waiter watched him go down the street, a very old man walking unsteadily but with dignity.

     “Why didn't you let him stay and drink?” the unhurried waiter asked. They were putting up the shutters. “It is not half past two.” “I want to go home to bed.” “What is an hour?” “More to me than to him.” “An hour is the same.” “You talk like an old man yourself.He can buy a bottle and drink at home.” “It's not the same.” “No, it is not,” agreed the waiter with a wife. He did not wish to be unjust. He was only in a hurry. “And you? You have no fear of going home before your usual hour?” “Are you trying to insult me?” “No, hombre, only to make a joke.”

     “No,” the waiter who was in a hurry said, rising from pulling down the metal shutters.“I have confidence.I am all confidence.” “You have youth, confidence, and a job,” the older waiter said.“You have everything.” “And what do you lack?” “Everything but work.” “You have everything I have.” “No.I have never had confidence and I am not young.” “Come on. Stop talking nonsense and lock up.” “I am of those who like to stay late at the cafe,” the older waiter said.“With all those who do not want to go to bed.With all those who need a light for the night.” “I want to go home and into bed.” “We are of two different kinds,” the older waiter said.He was now dressed to go home.“It is not only a question of youth and confidence although those things are very beautiful. Each night I am reluctant to close up because there may be someone who needs the cafe.” “Hombre, there are bodegas open all night long.” “You do not understand.This is a clean and pleasant cafe.It is well lighted. The light is very good and also, now, there are shadows of the leaves.”

“Good night,” said the younger waiter.

     “Good night,” the other said. Turning off the electric light he continued the conversation with himself. It was the light of course but it is necessary that the place be clean and pleasant. You do not want music.Certainly you do not want music.Nor can you stand before a bar with dignity although that is all that is provided for these hours. What did he fear? It was not a fear or dread. It was a nothing that he knew too well. It was all a nothing and a man was a nothing too. It was only that and light was all it needed and a certain cleanness and order. Some lived in it and never felt it but he knew it all was nada y pues nada y nada y pues nada.

    He smiled and stood before a bar with a shining steam pressure coffee machine.

     “What's yours?” asked the barman.

     “Nada.” “Otro loco mas,” said the barman and turned away.

     “A little cup,” said the waiter.

    The barman poured it for him.

     “The light is very bright and pleasant but the bar is unpolished,” the waiter said.

    The barman looked at him but did not answer.It was too late at night for conversation.

     “You want another copita?” the barman asked.

     “No, thank you,” said the waiter and went out.He disliked bars and bodegas.A clean, well-lighted cafe was a very different thing.Now, without thinking further, he would go home to his room.He would lie in the bed and finally, with daylight, he would go to sleep.After all, he said to himself, it's probably only insomnia. Many must have it.