The healthy adolescent boy or girl likes to do the real things in life,to do the things that matter. He would rather be a plumber's mate and do a real job that requires doing than learn about hydrostatics(流体静力学)sitting at a desk, without understanding what practical use they are going to be. A girl would rather look after the baby than learn about child care. Logically we should learn about things before doing them and that is probably why the experts enforce this in our educational system.But it is not the natural way---nor, in my view, the best way. The adolescent wants to do things first for only then does the appreciate the problems involved and want to learn more about them.

    They do these things better in primitive life,for there at puberty(青春期) the boy joins his father in making canoes,patching huts,going out fishing or hunting.He is serving his apprenticeship in the actual accomplishments of life.It is not surprising that anthropologists(人类学家) find that the adolescents of primitive communities do not suffer from the same neurotic(神经质的) “difficulties” as those of civilized life.This is not,as some assume,because they are permitted more sexual freedom,but because they are given more natural outlets for their native interests and powers and are allowed to grow up freely into a full life of responsibility in the community.

    In the 19th century this was recognized in the apprenticeship system,which allowed the boy to go out with the master carpenter,or ploughman,to engage in the actual work of carpentry or roof-mending,and so to learn his trade.In some agricultural colleges at the present time young men have to do a year's work on a farm before their theoretical training at college.The great advantage of this system is that it lets the apprentice see the practical problems before he sets to work learning how to solve them,and he can therefore take a more intelligent interest in his theoretical work.

    Since more knowledge of more things is now required in order to cope with the adult world, the period of growing-up to independence takes much longer than it did in more primitive community,and the responsibility for such education,which formerly was in the hands of the parents,is now necessarily undertaken by experts at school. But that should not make us lose sight of the basic principle, namely the need and the desire of the adolescent to engage responsibly in the real pursuits of life and then to learn how—to learn through responsibility, not to learn before responsibility.

    There are good reasons to value our friendships.Some years ago a public-opinion research firm,Roper Starch Worldwide,asked 2007 people to name one or two things that said the most about themselves.Friends far outranked homes jobs, clothes and cars.

    “Ironically,” says Brant R.Burleson, professor of communication at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., “the better friends you are, the more likely you'll face conflicts.” And the outcome can be what you don't want—an end to the relationship.

    The good news is that most troubled friendships can be mended.

    Swallow your pride. It wasn't easy, but that's what Denise Moreland of Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii did when a friendship turned sour.For nearly four months,Moreland,45,had watched over Nora Huizenga's two young daughters, who were living with their father on the base,while Huizenga,40,completed training as a dental hygienist in Nevada.“I felt honored to be asked to step in,” Moreland says.

    “When Huizenga returned at Christmas,” Moreland recalls,“I had so much to tell her, but she never called.”

    One daughter had a birthday party, but Moreland wasn't invited. “I felt like I'd been used,” she says.At first, Moreland swore to avoid Huizenga.Then she decided to swallow her pride and let her friend know how she felt. Huizenga admitted that she'd been so worried about being separated from her family that she'd been blind to what her friend had done to help her. Today she says, “I would never have figured out what happened if Denise hadn't called me on it.”

    When a friend hurts you, your instinct is to protect yourself.But that makes it harder to solve problems,explains William Wilmot,author of Relational Communication.“Most of us are relieved when differences are brought out in the open.”

    Apologize when you're wrong—even if you've also been wronged.But over the course of a friendship, even the best people make mistakes. “We don't think clearly when we're arguing,” says Michael Lang,a professional mediator (调解人) in Pittsburgh. Instead, says Lang, ask: “What's going on? This doesn't make sense.”

    See things from your friend's point of view. Sociologists Rebecca Adams Rosemary and Blieszner interviewed 53 adults who each had many friendships lasting decades. “We were curious how these people managed to sustain strong friendships for so long,” says Blieszner. Tolerance is key, the researchers learned.” It's surprising how often a dispute results from a simple misunderstanding,” adds psychotherapist Anne Frenkel.

    Accept that friendships change. “Friendships change as our needs and lifestyles change,” Wilmot observes.

    Making friends can sometimes seem easy,says Yager.The hard part is keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships.Her suggestion: Consider friendship an honor and a gift,and worth the effort to treasure and nurture.